I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Two words: blizzard sex
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Randomize
