the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
