happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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