do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
