I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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