I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
