So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
