Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
