I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I think my nap took me to another dimension
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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