I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
