I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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