He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
