Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
