he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
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