Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Is it penis luge time yet?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
