The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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