Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
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He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
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Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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