I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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