Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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