i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
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