I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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