Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
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She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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