A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
we made out on top of his cat.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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