I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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