She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
