Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
