I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
