PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
