Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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