is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
