my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I am full of burrito and curiosity
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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