I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
