I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
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