i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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