Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
