Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
