Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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