my mouth tastes like poor choices
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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