with your own penis?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
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