Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
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