I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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