Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
