i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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