Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
So squirting runs in the family.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Randomize
