I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
