I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
