The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
