One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
