u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
