dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
