she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
