OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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