I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
