Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
