It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
