he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
