Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
