I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
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Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
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What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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