i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
