Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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