Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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