She is in my trunk
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Randomize
