pedialite and red bull = repair kit
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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