Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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